Please
by MyMagentaPeach
Summary: FILLER 4x22: Klaine scene to complete the episode, and season for Klaine, picking up from where Blaine turns to look at Kurt, holding the ringbox.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Glee.

**A/N: **So, since we are all looking for some closure, I think, for the hiatus time, here is how I wish the finale, if I have to leave 4x21 standing like this and 4x22 as well, had gone after they faded to black, when it comes to Klaine; because I think they have actually always been a mature enough couple to be this open with each other.

* * *

**Please**

Blaine is standing there, one-handedly splashing water into his own face, breathing uneven; he cannot let go of the box, not yet.

His heart is pounding much too hard, too fast too, as he stands in the locked McKinley bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror, hands pressed into the cold white porcelain of the sink, one hand still unsurely clasping the tiny box in between his cold, icy really now, fingers.

He had not been able to do it, looking over at Kurt he had wanted to, more than anything. Wanted to show Kurt, once and for all, how deeply he loves him, and only him, how he is not looking for anyone or anything else anymore, feels foolish still for ever even having. He had wanted to make sure tonight that Kurt knows, knows without a doubt what Blaine feels with all his heart.

"Only you," Blaine whispers now to Kurt's reflection behind his own eyelids instead, and he cannot hold in the sob, or tears, as he remembers Kurt turning to look right back at him, still giddy with the surprise of a spontaneous celebration of love and happiness. Only ….

Only it had not been their celebration, not their love and their happiness, but someone else's. And so, from one second to the next, everything had just felt wrong in that room, the time, the place, the smile on Kurt's face and the glint in his eyes – not put there by Blaine, not put there by their love.

In this bathroom, for the first time in weeks Blaine feels like he does understand, finally understands it all, thinks he can even understand what Burt meant when he encouraged him to wait. "It's not the time yet. Not _our_ time," Blaine pushes past his lips to remind himself, to not get sucked back into that romatic notion of moving in with Kurt next fall, as his husband, not just a friend. It had been his first thought, if he is honest, those handful of days ago, when Burt had said it, _"Living with someone is not the same as being married to them. Something happens, something changes."_ And Blaine had thought he was ready for that change, had dared to hope they both were, had found himself surprised that Burt even knew about the conversation Kurt and he had had only a very very short while ago, about Blaine maybe, just maybe joining the crazy pack and moving in with Kurt, Santana and Rachel, '...next fall.'

When Blaine thinks back to all the times Kurt had smiled at him, all the times they had smiled at each other, had sat close, or even just stood there next to each other, _with_ each other, he knows that … now ... something is missing. Something about that smile, the happiness, 'They have nothing to do with me. I am not his happiness anymore.' And Blaine cannot shake the sinking feeling that instead …, that instead he is, part of him still is, part of that deadness, dullness sometimes shining through from behind it. And that makes Blaine sick to his stomach. The mere idea that, 'Kurt still feels … hurt when he looks at me, still feels pain.'

It does not matter to Blaine how very small a part that might be, and this feeling even if it is Blaine just imagining it to be so, maybe, this alone is already too much, and enough, ... enough reason to admit that they both still need space, space to freely change and grow, without being responsible so entirly for another life just yet. 'Maybe,' Blaine cannot help think, '... no, surely, Burt is trying to protect both of us, from ... from ...,' and that is the point where Blaine every time gets decidedly stuck. 'From each other? From losing ourselves in each other, before we even have had a real chance to figure out who we are in that world outside of smalltown Ohio, a world of hyding and pretending, too often?'

Blaine cannot quite see it. But he knows with all his heart Burt means no harm, and Blaine wants to trust him, even if trusting any adult in his life does not come easy to Blaine. Too much personal history, too much confusing, utterly confusing and shattering personal history. Blaine cannot but question the intent that lies behind the words. And it is all just making him feel sicker by the day, the minute, the second. Just some peace of mind would have been nice ... growing up and all. It is not there, Blaine cannot find it, surely not right now, his every fibre screaming at him to just tell Kurt, tell Kurt he cannot imagine ever spending his life with anyone else. "Why does this have to hurt so much?" He mumbles frustratedly to himself, wet hand absentmindedly running through his hair.

'Right now is not right,' Blaine knows, he knows, though he cannot say it out loud. He knows, because he does know too what Kurt in love with him looks like, how Kurt looks at him now, how he had '...when _both_ of us had been in love … together.'

"It's just me now," and just like that his breath is breaking away, his legs are giving way, his grip, still firm on the porcelain sink all that keeps him upright as he looks back into the mirror, into his own eyes' devastation, the tears long stopped, thoughts pressing having driven them away, a good while ago.

Blaine had always thought not knowing love, never having been loved, never having loved, was the worst feeling there was, only then …, back then he had not known what missing it, missing love, having been loved and then losing it … would do to him, would make him do.

He had thought he had lost Kurt already, Kurt's love, ... so there had been Eli. A misguided attempt at finding anew what he thought to already have lost ... somewhere else, somewhere new.

But Blaine had learned from that, learned enough to know, what he had felt but not truly realized before, with each other's touches intoxicating all the while, all through their relationship, and Blaine partially missing why that had been. With Eli it had been quick and technical, oh so technical, it had Blaine feeling sick as soon as the orgasm had worn off. There had been no afterglow, no warmth, only bodyheat, bodyheat, no closeness, no feeling but voidness, emtyness all over. That night, he had learned what it means to be touched with love, the difference between being touched with love and not just lust for one's own release. And it had hurt.

It had hurt for all those days, every single moment, until he could see Kurt again, making Blaine, in the end, take an earlier flight out to New York. Surprising Kurt and himself, with the urgency of that first kiss after that first separation. And it still had hurt, everything had hurt, and Blaine had known then, it would until he had told Kurt. And it is still the hardest thing Blaine ever has done, tearing Kurt with him into this misery, and doing it willingly, being honest, because he knew it was the only right thing to do, Blaine unable to live with, to love Kurt with this secret festering inside him. A secret that meant beside so much pain that he was surer now, is surer know than he had ever been before how very very much he is in love with Kurt, "I just want you to know. I need you to know, Kurt."

And it is not like Blaine has not tried to love again, has not felt the possibility of loving someone else, too, to be something wonderful.

But he had known from the beginning that Sam was straight, had dared to dream sometimes at night that maybe one day he might give them a shot, but really, Blaine had known. And that very fact had made Sam all the more perfect a distraction. There, and sweet, and cute, a good friend too, all the things Kurt had been to Blaine those first weeks at Dalton. Also, in the case of Sam, not avalaible. Just like Blaine had had convinced himself, those first weeks at Dalton, Kurt wasn't either.

But really, Sam had never even been remotely available, and maybe Blaine had truly loved that most, some daydreaming to ease the pain of not being allowed any longer to love Kurt, trying to love someone else, who was there, and Blaine could at least hug and be hugged by from time to time, someone who was there, and also, in Blaine's head at least, forbidden somehow.

And then Sam had had to go and crush Blaine's shy delusions, tell him it was okay to love, that it would not, could not, offend him to be attractive to an admired by someone.

And what had Blaine's mind gone and done, latched right onto the way Kurt had panted into his ear,_ "I love you,"_ as they had moved naked and sweaty together that night in the hotel room, Kurt moaning those three words over and over, as Blaine had thrust into him, Kurt pushing right back, deepening the connection in more than just the physical, both of them holding on to each other's bodies, holding each other as close as they could while making love. _"I love you so much."_

Kurt had after pretended it had been nothing, but Blaine had known better, the memory of that onenightstand with Eli still too vivid in his mind; that had been nothing.

Him and Kurt, they were not capable of not making love when together, it is not an emotion easily shut away when you are naked and connected in that way, all else just tends to spill over, spill right into it, _"I love you. Iloveyou." _Blaine cannot forget these moans, Kurt's moans and whispers, the moments he had known, had been allowed to feel so sure, _'We are together.' _And in those moments Blaine's whole world had felt right.

That night had convinced Blaine that Kurt was trying to help him make things right again. And Blaine had not had to think all too long. What better thing for a fresh start than the ultimate promise of love and dedication to your one true love, a ritual the world has known for thousands of years, what better than a marriage proposal to paint the image crystal clear.

They are not straight though, and Blaine thinks now that sometimes he tries too hard to forget that. Maybe Kurt is expecting something entirely different. Maybe living in New York, no matter how short, has allowed Kurt to see all kinds of bonds formed, outlasting most marriages by miles and miles, "Maybe you really have changed." Blaine does not dare say it, even just to himself, but thinks it still, 'Maybe you really have outgrown me ..., us. Maybe there is something better out there for you.'

Blaine is scared by how deep he knows Kurt can love, feels selfish at the idea alone. And Blaine is selfish, cannot help being it when it comes to Kurt's love.

'Love. ... and what had that been last week...,' "OH GOSH! Dirty cute? What was I thinking?"

Blaine already knows he was not thinking, not thinking at all, just feeling, allowing himself to feel, like he had at the almost wedding, like Kurt had at the almost wedding. There is after all so much to miss now, words and whispers, touches, hours and nights and weekends, filled with love and warmth and so void of loneliness.

Blaine can feel the tears regathering in his eyes as he even so much as thinks of it, the loneliness he has felt these last months, he is not used to it anymore, has tried to fight it off, by spending first more time with Tina, now with Sam, by allowing himself to fall that little bit for his best friend at McKinley. But it is not like anyone can replace Kurt, they just …cannot, not in any capacity. For a second he shudders at the unwelcome thought of Tina having tried, while he was unconscious no less. He would never even have dreamed of doing such a thing to Sam, no matter how much he had wished for some deeper affection returned.

And Blaine is wondering if he is doomed to forever feel this way, alienated, foolish, not quite useless, but surely not good enough anymore,'... not for Kurt,' when he hears a knock on the bathroom door, and a soft, "Blaine?"

"Who is it?" Blaine asks already wiping at his eyes, ears still ringing with his own sobs.

"It's me, Blaine. Kurt."

"One second, Kurt." Only as he has answered already does Blaine realize that Kurt must have been out there for a while, must have followed him when he had left the choir room with a hushed apology, how else could Kurt possibly have known who is in here. 'How long have I been in here?'

After putting the ring away in his pocket, Blaine wipes some more at his eyes, splashes his whole face once, then again, with cold water.

Skin still damp he steps out into the hallway, tries to rush past Kurt, without so much as looking at him, 'I just … I can't do this right now.'

When Kurt stops him, left hand gentle but still firm on Blaine's left upper arm, just as he is about to duck away around him, it turns out Blaine can do so much more than he had thought. And if Blaine was conscious of this fact himself right now, like he will be some time tomorrow, remembering, he would feel another pang in his chest, because they had, in their best days always been that to each other, encouraging, vitalizing, to an almost intoxicating degree sometimes.

"Blaine? Are you okay?" Kurt's face is set in deep concerne, clearly molding his feature already for a while.

Blaine looks up quickly, then down again in pain he cannot help feeling, not even really seeing Kurt, "Fine."

Kurt reaches, on instinct, for a curl, freed from the gel when Blaine had splashed his face. He smooths it back, "Your face is all damp."

Blaine tries for a reassuring smile, "Just …, felt still flushed from the performace. You know the stage lights and all the dancing and … stuff."

"Stuff," Kurt echoes sadly. "Blaine?"

"Mmh?"

"Are you happy?"

"I? Um? Happy?" Blaine stutters out, watching Kurt's eyes carefully.

"Yeah. Happy? I … Blaine, you know I still love you, right?" Blaine nods so Kurt goes on, "As a friend, as my best friend."

Blaine's nodding abruptly comes to a stop. It is still hard to hear it so bluntly, although Blaine knows now, he does, but the realization is still so fresh, how could it not sting right now.

"Blaine, I want you to be happy. Just …."

"Just?" Blaine asks sadly, eyes locked with Kurt's now, tentatively like a shy animal about to bolt.

"Just," Kurt briefly squeezes his eyes shut, then looks full of hope and kindness back at Blaine, hand drifting from Blaine's upper arm to intertwine their fingers on their left hands, he squeezes tightly, " … just right now, right now we can't, … we can't make each other happy. Not like we used to. And I need you to try to be that happy again, please!"

Blaine wishes he could protest, but he cannot, not in this moment, "I know." Because once, together as high school students, they had known what it was that the other needed, had both been able to not just hold but support, to make things actually better. Kurt wants them to be that again, as friends, best friends.

Sure, they can still hold hands today, they have held hands a lot the last week, and arms and shoulders, whole bodies, to comfort and reassure. But Blaine had still tried to fool himself into thinking that there had been no difference, although not Kurt alone had felt it, but both of them, Blaine simply unwilling to admit it: Nothing is the same anymore.

They are not, and the world is not, and some of that is good, and some of that change feels bad right now, all of it though is real. And Blaine knows now, he has to accept that, has to accept that the happiness in Kurt's eyes, in his smile, is not his, not theirs', he had not been the one to put it there tonight, is not the one Kurt was sharing it with then, not really, not fully.

_Their_ happiness does not exist anymore.

Kurt is still standing with him, holding his hand firmly when Blaine comes back up again from all these thoughts, and Blaine just then crashes, tears crushing his composure completely as he tries his hardest to speak through them, "You are still here."

Kurt feels the stabs to his chest, blade of the surprise penetrating Blaine's words sharp. Taking Blaine into his arms he says softly into Blaine's ear, "I will never not want to be here for you."

And then Blaine lets go, holding on to Kurt tightly, he finally lets go, of all the projection, all the conjecture he had applied to Kurt these last months, had applied to Kurt's every move and word, like Kurt had too before tried to do for a good while still, months after the break up.

When Blaine lifts his head to look at Kurt, and finally sees the young man now standing before him, more clearly than he has seen Kurt ever since he moved to New York, he, closing his eyes, leans his forehead against Kurt's, breathing out, "I am going to miss you so much." It feels like the final goodbye to his lover, his loved. Kurt leans into the touch, own eyes closing.

When Kurt leans back, letting out a stuttering breath and opening his eyes again, they are full of tears, asking to be blinked away. Both boys can feel it building deep inside, the need for the goodbye they had never allowed themselves to exchange before.

"This is not goodbye," Kurt whispers, "just a ... see you later?"

Blaine nods, a sob pushing past his lips. He cannot hold on anymore. "Can we kiss? One last time?" Blaine asks, hesitant, gentle, shy. Kurt is sure he has never seen him like this. Blaine too ... has changed.

Kurt does not need a five page speech to answer, one word, one word is enough, "Please."

They stand hugging for minutes more, both crying before Blaine whispers, "Kurt," looking up at him, eyes vulnerable and wide.

Kurt cups Blaine's cheeks in his hands with great care and tenderness, and as he leans down, just as Blaine had done that first time they kissed in that Dalton common room, and Blaine is already leaning up, Kurt says softly, "This is not goodbye."

* * *

A/N: I see this as a lovers goodbye, not that of friends. Meaning Klaine stay close friends after this, until they are both in New York and can really spend substantial time together again, have a life as friends and then eventually more again. That's how I see it anyway. I want to see them as strong and true individuals, persuing their own life goals and dreams, and I think Blaine especially, being not out of Lima yet, needs the chance to grow, like I put it in my other one-shot too I think, the Rewrite/Filler for 4x21:) Dirty Cute. Maybe check it out?

Thank you for reading and yours thoughts and maybe questions are of course welcome.

:) M


	2. Question

Hi!

So, quick question: **Should this story be rated M? **

One reviewer disagreed with my rating of this story, and that got me wondering, if my understanding of M rating is wrong. To me everything containing sex or violence or difficult emotional states and / or triggers deserves the rating M. And in this story there is this brief moment of a flashback to the sexual encounter between Kurt and Blaine at Wemma's non-wedding, and so I rated it M.

Do more of you think that is wrong? Or would you be angry with me if I had published this under T and then you had found that moment in the story? After all I don't want to force my writing on any of you.

In this place A HUGE THANK YOU to everyone who left me some thoughts on this story, I appreciate it so very very much.

All the best, MagentaPeach


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